Conversations with Myself

Am I the only one who talks to themselves? And by talking to myself, I mean ALL the time. I don't even notice I am doing it until I'm in public talking to fruit about how yummy they are and I start to get the look. If you're crazy like me, you know the look. A man or woman (maybe both) slowly tilting their head towards you trying very hard not to make eye contact as fear they may catch what I have. What is it I have? Is it insanity or the love of my own voice?

I like to think its the latter even though I hate the sound of my voice. I just like to talk. I like to talk so much that I am guilty of never letting anyone else talk. What is that you say?!? Oh, who cares, you want ME to talk? Very well. That is what I hear any time I am in a conversation with someone. So I do, I take their advice they didn't give and I talk. Over them, under them, beside them and then some.

Why do I like to talk so much? I like to think I amuse myself and other people are boring. Oh, c'mon- they are. You know they are. For example, when I talk - people laugh; and not that kind little polite laugh, I am talking tears down the eyes, pee in the pants kind of laugh. You know the one. (just admit it, you sometimes pee your pants). Who doesn't really? Babies do it, people with bladder problems do it, mothers do it and old people. So who does that exclude really? People with no bladders, thats who.

Sometimes I fear my incessant talking is a form of tourettes. Although I don't have sudden outbursts of profranity, I do offend people quite often and am not censored. Isn't that what people with Tourettes do? They offend people. They do! If you were standing in line and behind you someone yelled "big, ugly, yellowbutt donkey" you would be offended. I am not less offended when I find out they have Tourettes. I am more offended because why are they yelling at me? Carry a mirror around and when you have an outburst, hold it up and look at yourself. Now, Im not offended as they were not talking to me. And on a side note, it would be a great way to get those daily affirtmations in.

So next time you see me in a store saying "nom, nom, nom" to the fruit, just pull up beside me and join in, and when you do, I will hold up a mirror and say "Big Ugly Yellowbutt Donkey."

Lesbians for Dummies

My work relationship with my boss is not the most appropriate. Not that I am going to take any fault for this. On a daily basis I remind her that she is inappropriate as is her behavior, to which I get giggles and inappropriate comments back. So life at the workplace goes on. As our department ever so dwindles down to nothing (as to my liking) our department as a whole has become quite inappropriate as consumed with all women.

We are all educated, mature women- not that you would guess this having a conversation with us lately. As we all gather into my bosses office for our daily story telling time (which is usually me telling some absurd story) this one happened to be of a wedding I was in and this unusual woman from Alaska who had a southern accent. Why did she have an accent if she was born and raised in AK? Was she from the southern part of AK? I was perplexed by this. And so the discussion ensued. I became so obsessed with this I said "I think she thought I was a lesbian."

Later that evening as I was e-mailing my boss I get an e-mail back saying "no more lesbian comments, I think X employee is a lesbian." To which I replied "Did I make one?" This shows my awareness at work. The next morning sitting in my bosses office she explains to me the ridiculous reasons she thinks X employee is a lesbian.

• When she smelled my perfume she smelled my neck and not my wrist
• She is a roller derby girl
• She has short hair
• She is unmarried and has a dog

Wow. Isn't SHE full of herself!?! So apparently if you are over a certain age threshold, single, have a tolerance for dogs, possibly got gum stuck in your hair and had to cut it, and like to roller skate due to a nice child hood memory - WATCH OUT- you are a lesbian! Thank goodness I never liked short hair on me.

Our days have now become filled with a lesbian version of 'wheres waldo'. Who can get the lesbian out of the closet first. Does she like pink or blue. Purposely bringing up "partners." Standing maybe a little "too" close to see if she seems uncomfortable. I think I actually noticed my boss unbutton her shirt a little in a meeting the other day.

Is this what my days have come to? I don't even think she IS a lesbian. And if she is, who cares? By the end of this torture I might be a lesbian. Isn't there a book for dummies I can just pick up?

Eminem - Call me "Ball- Sac"

A week ago when I was in Best Buy with my son, I didn't realize buying him a CD he asked for would create a sense of unbalance in my life over one line of lyric in a song.

What started as a beautiful early morning drive to my hometown to celebrate my sisters 30th birthday quickly turned to well, 'something else'. Let me back up one step further.

"Can we listen to my new CD" my son asked. "Sure" (as I rolled my eyes). As I hesitantly slid the CD into the player not even five miles from the house the car filled with a heavy beat of base and I started to hear Eminem begin to rap. To my surprise I wasn't as annoyed by this as I thought I would be. This wasn't so bad. Why had I been dreading listening to this? My reassurance quickly turned to shock as Eminem soon demanded I call him Ball-Sac. WHAT?!? Did I hear that correctly? I turned to my boyfriend, "did he just tell us to call him Ball-Sac"? "Yes, he did", he replied. I looked at my son in my rear-view mirror, "Did he just tell me to call him Ball-Sac"?!? "Yep" he so confidently replied with an amused look on his face like I should start calling him Ball-Sac!

What was going on? Was this some new thing? Were we now calling males Ball-Sac? Did I miss some kind of memo? And why was this amusing? This is disgusting! I wasn't being asked to be called Vagina. Why was I the only one shocked by this? And what else was in this song?!? I asked my child "just what about this appeals to you" to which he so smartly replied "well, nothing in this one, turn it to another song". Oh okay.

Apparently, in his other songs I'm not being told to call him gross slang body parts. He's just telling me about shoot'em up gangsters, drug deals and whores. Thanks Ball-Sac.